Testing.....

Anyone out there planning to take the Mathematics Content Knowledge Exam, all I can say is STUDY YOUR BRAINS OUT...and then study some more. And it would be best if you had about 5 years to prepare.

AGHHGHHGHG!!!! It's over. I don't feel good about it. And it's not just be being my normal "oh I didn't do good" then making an "A" self. I didn't take one single integral, and I only think I took the derivative of one function. THAT IS NOT GOOD!

First I worked all the problems I was confident I knew how to do...About 20/50. Then after I went back I found several more I was confident about...maybe 26/50...MAYBE.

But it's over. And I feel decent about the middle school content test. So maybe I'll be teaching middle school instead of high school? Who knows. I e-mailed TFA to see what happens if I failed...so I'll let y'all know.

Over and out...

I'm out of here...

The test is in T-minus 41 hours.

How much can I study between now and then? An infinite amount...

How much will I retain? Probably none.

Wish me luck...

Peace!

I'm lonely...

Maybe it's because he's talking to her.
Maybe I'm letting myself think I lost again.
Maybe it's because I'm terrified of this test.
Maybe it's because I'm running out of time.
Maybe I feel vulnerable because I've put so much of me into this that if I fail, I'm a failure.
Maybe I'm wishing he would call.
Maybe it's that time of the month.
Maybe it's because I don't feel good.
Maybe I miss my friends.
Maybe I've lost sight of Him!
Maybe I'm just lonely...

to facebook or not to facebook?

So I've been off of facebook for the last 3 weeks or so. I realized I was spending way too much time on facebook when I needed to be studying for the Praxis, so I temporarily deactivated my facebook account. Now here's the shocker...I DON'T MISS IT!

I don't miss it at all. I mean, there are times when I want to check it, but not for any real reason...just to kill time. Test day is this Saturday (4 1/2 study days left...YIKES)...So the question now is...do I get back on or not?

I think my reasons for wanting to get back on are selfish. This weekend I heard someone talk about facebook as a prideful thing. I mean...let's get serious...most of us are not "keeping in touch" with others like we say we are. There are some that do, so I'm not criticizing...but for the most part, nothing is happening on facebook that can't happen through e-mail, or the good old fashion telephone.

Basically, I feel like we have this web page where we post things we want other people to see and know about us. It's mostly about us, and a little bit about other people.

Hmm....

So

Facebook or not? Anyone have any good arguments for either side of my dilemma?

Weekend Update

The weekend began on Thursday. I took the Praxis I tests (3 tests down, 1 to go until I'm "Highly Qualified"...whatever that means), then I headed over to the G's to be an extra set of hands in preparation for prom and the after prom party. Don't E-beth J.Bobby look beautiful. I don't know that I've ever seen a prettier prom dress and the picture doesn't even begin to do it justice. It has a fairly long train that bustles in the back. :) They're sweet.

Saturday morning at 6:30 a.m. I was on the road again, headed to Atlanta for Courtney's first shower!!! Mrs. Danice did a fabulous job of the food and decorations. Lindsay made the strawberry bouquet in the center...and we had fabulous strawberry champagne lemonade and sweetini's! Not to mention the best cupcakes I've ever had in my whole life!

You can't tell here, but these are the bouquet's Cass and I made for the rehearsal dinner. We only had enough bows to make 3 (since everyone gets Bed Bath and Beyond to provide gift wrapping). The one in the center is Courtney's...it is full of all the real bows, and bows we reconstructed. Mine and Cass's consist of white BB&B bows and tissue paper stuffed around. I thought we did a decent job. The other two will be made at the next shower in North Carolina!


Here we are!! Courtney with all her girls! I'm so excited for the big day! Congrats Court!

P.S.- I apologize in advance for any prolong absences from the blog. The Praxis II is taking over my life.

Content

Many things in life don't make sense to me...but this picture does.

Me peacefully floating down the river (that branches off of the amazon)...I'm pretty sure I was thinking "I love my life."

And know, 9 months later...I'm thinking "I love my life."

This is such a new discovery phase of my life...And I'm SO excited about all there is to learn. The only problem is...WHERE IS THE TIME!!!! 3 months ago when I was in Dothan and had all the time in the world to bask in learning...Nothing...Nada...I just wanted to be lazy.

NOW...I'm busy ALL the time and up to my ears in TFA work. But it's okay. Good even. I think it makes the discovery that much better that I have to work for it.

Stay tuned for a bridal shower and Easter update!!

"Truth is rarely pure and never simple." -Oscar Wilde

Really?

When I was in Dothan on Friday, a local radio personality said, at the end of his show, "Happy Good Friday y'all."

WHAT? Happy Good Friday? I mean what is happy about the day that Jesus was Crucified? Maybe he should have said "Happy day off of work to all of you with today off." I was amazed.

Friday night I went to the passion play at church. It's always a good production, but it's relatively the same every year, and at the end of the day, the monotony makes me numb to some of it. Not Friday. I don't know if it is because I feel like I'm getting to know the Lord better? Or if it is because the man playing Jesus is such an important person in my life, but I couldn't stop crying.

I kept thinking...

"If I were Jesus, and I DIED for a bunch of people, I'd probably feel bitter. BUT...I'd be really ticked when those same people decided not to trust me, or obey me."

It's a good thing I'm not Jesus.

Happy Easter (because it's a day to be happy about)!

I'm a slow learner...

I love that on Saturday April 4th, I posted about how God has a plan for my life and I'm not gonna worry and blah...blah...blah.

I love that I was feeling like I had it all together.

I love that God pulls the rug from underneath my feet when I start to feel all high and mighty.

See, on Sunday April 5th. N proposed to L. I knew it was coming. I thought I'd be okay when it happened...see God has a plan for my life that does not include N. I'm SO okay with that. Working with him has lead me to the realization that we were not good for each other...and never would have been.

When I found out yesterday I was NOT okay with it. I pouted all day long, treated N like crap, and basically acted like a big, cry baby. WHAT IN THE WORLD. I've been happy about their relationship since I moved here...Why did I feel so upset now?

In my mind she won and I lost. Oh My Goodness...since when is it a game? Why am I acting like it's a game? It's NOT a game. She didn't win, I didn't lose. Something wonderful happened on Sunday night to a person I care a lot about. I should have been so excited...but all I could focus on was "Oh my goodness, I lost." I didn't lose anything.

I'm embarrassed I acted like a 2 year-old all day long. But I apologized, we talked about it, and all is well.

I'm also glad to see that some things in life have to be battled daily. It's not a figure it out, move on, and never deal with it again kind of life. God wants a relationship with me, and quite frankly, i'm at this point in life where I need to be constantly reminded of that.

*No stalker news lately...life's been kind of boring in that aspect. :)

Learning

"We are generally the better persuaded by the reasons we discover ourselves than by those given to us by others." -Blaise Pascal

I think Mr. Pascal was speaking to me when he wrote that quote. I read it several weeks ago, and haven't been able to shake it. WHY am I so stubborn? WHY do I have to go through pain, and hurt and frustration in order to learn something? I have sweet, very submissive, wonderful friends, with happy lives, who are able to learn from the mistakes of others (YOUR WELCOME, since I probably provide lots of mistakes for y'all NOT to make) and grow into mature, productive people.

I just can't do it. I want to make the mistake myself. You can tell me all day long that kissing a boy I'm not dating will tear me up inside, but I think I am the LONE exception to every rule. Of course I'm not. Many of you know that too well.

So, I finally feel like I am at a place where I am figuring it out. I see that I have a problem

I am learning that God has given me incredible people in my life to learn from. He has given me an incredible book to learn from (namely the Bible), and He has blessed me with this beautiful form of communicating with me called prayer.

I've always known that prayer was a conversation and not a monologue...but honestly, this is how my prayer normally breaks down...

Dear God,
Here is everything wrong in my life...List A,B,C. If you could fix it that would be great. Oh and by the way...this is how I want you to fix it. Okay? Okay! Oh also, these are all the things I want you to do. But don't forget (as if GOD needs reminding), do your will, not mine. Oh and by the way God...here are all the reasons why YOUR will should be my will (this list is long and completely selfish)....Then I start thinking about why I'm going to eat for breakfast (or lunch, or dinner)...Then I start thinking about that conversation I had with that person last week that hurt my feelings...Then I start thinking about how cool my life is...Then I go "Oops, Sorry God, I got side tracked." Once back on track, I try to think of people I need to pray for, these prayers don't usually last long...Then I might remember to say thank you God for all you do. If I'm feeling especially focused, I'll through in some praise.
Amen

WHAT KIND OF PRAYER IS THAT. Oh my goodness...Just thinking that, and writing that down, and reading that...WHAT IN THE WORLD. I am so selfish...What am I doing talking to the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE like that? Someone help me please.

Yesterday I sat down to read (I'm reading Exodus) and decided to skip over to Romans to read where Paul writes about the Israelites in Romans. Basically, I'm learning a lot right now...and I just felt like God said,

"Olivia, Do you see how I handled the children of Israel, and redeemed them from Egypt...and how I used EVERYTHING for my good purpose and my glory...Don't you think I'm trying to use you to...stop being stubborn and do things my way."

I was reminded again of what I forgot...God wants to speak to me...If I will just listen.
I'm learning to listen more in my prayers.

Today I was laying on the bank of the creek, and I pulled up a weed...I looked at all of it's tiny little roots and thought "God planned this...all these little roots, He knows they're there." If God knows that about that little weed, how much more does He know about me, and about my life.
He has a plan for me. He knows it...He sees it, He designed it.

Today I felt like God said: "Olivia, just take my hand. Just hold it and walk with me. Stop running ahead of me, and stop trying to plan things out. You can relax, because I have a plan."

I'm learning so much about God, and the more I learn the more I realize that I'll never know it all...and that's okay!! The more I'm in relationship with God, the more I realize sin in my life...and that's good!! And the more I know God, the more I'm realizing that I don't have to figure everything out on my own...I can trust what He says, because He loves me more than I can even understand.

So today, I'm thankful that God is revealing himself to me, and I can't wait to see where this journey takes us!!

Stalker part 2

If you had asked me a month ago where my favorite place at SIFAT was, I would have told you at the creek by old Aldea, or perhaps the top of the hill where the nature trail runs out. I might have said sitting on the rocks by the gris mill, or watching the sun set over the cow pasture.

NOT ANYMORE.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

You are looking at my new favorite place at SIFAT!

What is that you might ask? Well, it is exactly what you think it is...It's a closet. I actually have 2 favorite places. I like this one best because it has a lock on the door...The closet in N's office a pretty sweet place too - but it doesn't have the benefit of lights, or a lock.

This is where I hide from my stalker...on what is becoming a very regular basis. M has a corner office upstairs, so she can usually alert me when he's coming...if she's not around, I can smell him a mile away (he's smells like baby powder and old spice), or hear him whistling.

Today, I was hiding in N's closet. I heard him coming, so I sat tight. I heard him whistle his way into N's office...then nothing for 5 WHOLE MINUTES, at least. I think that all is clear. I start to walk out of the closet, when I realize he's probably still downstairs somewhere. There is this window to N's office from inside the closet, so I think to myself..."I'll just peak through the window and see direct route to the outside door then I'll run like the wind."

I stand up, walk over to the window, and peer out...only to see....

are you ready for this...

my STALKER by the window!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He had to have been standing there for 5 minutes. He was just staring at N's filing cabinet.

My heart stopped. I'm amazed I didn't have a heart attack then and there.

I didn't know what to do...I didn't know if he'd seen me. I decided to wait it out, and about 5 minutes later he left. Then I waited another 5 minutes to make sure he wasn't in the hallway still.

That's 15 minutes in the closet.

I have a college degree and I spend about 15 minutes a day hiding from, or running from an 80-something year old man. What in the world.

I ran upstairs to M's office...we saw him walking around outside about 5 minutes later, then he came in the front door, so I darted downstairs to the office...

I just got the all clear page from M.

Hopefully this will be the only incident today!

*Oh and he told me he loved Katie last night, because she's my friend...She's thrilled!