Boy

So I just got really excited and was going to post about Valentine's Day...I know - It's March 9th...but I'm a slacker. And NO, not MY Valentine's Day, but my roommates VD. SO, I promise it is coming in the next few days, but the post won't do it justice without the pictures.

For now, I think this is just going to be one long stream of consciousness.

I'm watching a some Juniors right now. Well, actually they are not Juniors. All the Juniors are taking the ACT today, so I am watching about 10 students who are either classified as sophomores or seniors, but who are in junior classes. It's my planning. So I'm not getting anything done. Just thinking, and reading, and typing.

Last night S told me I was "all locked up." TRANSLATION - I'm very guarded. I don't feel like I've always been this way. I feel like there have been times when I've been really open. But, maybe not. Maybe it has just seemed that way because the people I've been open with have been completely safe in every way.

I just don't know. I feel like I was pretty open with N. but was I really? Or does it just seem that way. Even if I was open with him, it was probably because I knew that the relationship was never going to amount to anything. Hmm.

I thought I was going to say I was open with arrogant. but I don't think I was. I think it just seemed that way because he was also pretty guarded.

Hmm...He asked me why I thought I was so guarded, and I really just don't know. I gave some cop out answer about how it probably has to do with my family, or past relationships...but I think those are both cop outs.

Anyways, I'm glad he is aware that I'm guarded. He said "I'm concerned that you are never going to open up and let yourself fall in love with me." I said "I can't make any promises." And in ways I feel like the pressure is off now. @ least he knows where I stand, and that I am terrified of commitment.

I don't want to push him away...but I know I'm pretty closed off. I just don't trust easily. I don't know.

+ it's just really weird to not have to work for it. He calls when he says he will, doesn't break plans (even when he should...like last night when he skipped family dinner) and makes me talk about important stuff. It's just different to just get to be me, and not have to find ways to manipulate the other person.

I'm going to go figure out how to open up and be less guarded!

Hope you all have a terrific Tuesday!