Summer Update

So...I just read this post and realized that I never started writing...Oh well. There's always now.

So an update...for the two of you who still stop by from time to time.

1. I went to Colorado. It was good and terrible at the same time. No other explanation is gonna happen here. I'm not airing all my laundry for the interent world.

2. The summer job was great. Only I didn't get paid until a month after I was supposed to . BLEH. BOO for the organization at lead. They do education decently though, so I guess it's a trade off.

3. I closed on my house. I'm a homeowner with lots to do these days. Maybe some DIY projects coming to the blog world soon.

4. I did LOTS of relaxing

5. I didn't pick up a hobby. Again...there's always now.

6. I made really good friends with my bible study girls. and with an old roommie. and with my kickball team. Goal. Accomplished.

7. I've already mentioned this. I didn't write.

**Oh well.

Anyone of the two of you know how to make this look like a real blog and not like a crappy blogger blog?? I'm sure there's a way, I just don't know how.

Happy Birthday Laptop

I got an email from Best Buy today letting me know that it was my laptop's birthday.

And so now I'm sad.

It's weird to think about that impulse purchase...and why I made it.

And it's sad.

Really. really sad.

I bought it when S. went to Colorado to park ranger camp....because I couldn't stand not seeing him when we talked.

I still can't stand not seeing him. Or talking to him.

Only now a computer purchase won't fix the problem.

If it were only that easy.

Dear Laptop,

happy birthday...even though I have no idea where you are or when the last time I used you was. Today, for your birthday. I will try to at least locate you. Maybe I'll give you more attention soon.

Sincerely,
Me

Summery

I'm excited about summer.

1 - It means a trip to Colorado to see Katie...I'm not sure why I'm SO excited about that...but I am


2 - I found a summer job. It's only 3.5 weeks...1/2 days...and exactly the pay I needed


3 - I'm going to work on my house...I'm hoping to close in LESS THAN 2 WEEKS?!?!?!?!?!?


4 - I want to just relax.


5. I want to pick up a hobby


6. I want to force myself to make new friends


7. I want to write - Not here necessarily, although maybe. I really want a place where I can just be....and open up to the Lord. I used to write a lot more. For myself. I NEVER DO anymore. When I do find 3 minutes to start...I just don't know what to say. So - I want to do that again. Even if it just means a lot of sitting before the words come.


Summer,

Hurry up will ya.

We've got big plans - that involve a lot of nothing.

I've never been so excited.

Gloomy Day

I think I sometimes don't realize how great it is to have such a wonderful group of precious, precious friends. There are 11 of us total...and we're not all super close. We lived together in Auburn, but we weren't all best friends and we didn't all always hang out. There were pockets of us who were really close, and there are great ties between those pockets. Anyways...when I left Auburn, I thought I was glad to go. Get out of college. Live alone.... Not always have 10 girls around....always. But I often find myself thinking that was such a sweet time that created such sweet friendship...even if we don't all talk a lot. or call each other. or keep up like we should. One the girl's dad died last night in his sleep. One of her really good friends called us all. So we could hear it first hand. Because even in her own grief she is concerned with being polite. And because we all love her and can wrap her in prayer. But the part that is most beautiful is how, even beyond that. We have all spent the last hour or so...emailing, texting and gchatting to make sure that everyone heard from Lauri. To make sure everyone knew...and knew to be praying. My prayers are for Lauren today. That she feels indescribable comfort at such a sad, sad time.

Why I Like Him...

It's not a specific him...

It applies to all of the hims there have ever been ...

I was sitting here at work watching my lovely babies test...when I was thinking about why I like (a specific) him...and consequently, why I don't like a couple of different hims.

It's been sort of like speed dating over here.

Several different boys...some I like, some I don't.

They all have 1 thing in common - actually, several things.

1. they love Jesus
2. they are attractive
3. they are smart/successful/driven
4. i can talk easily with them
5. they like me

So ... why do I like some boys and not others...if they all meet the above criteria.

It's sass. I. do. not. want. to. date. someone. I. can. run. all. over.

Maybe it's because when I'm comfortable I have a big personality...and I AM SASSY...and I can be bold and abrasive and bossy and lots of other synonyms to the above words.

In a relationship I crave someone who tells me no...a man who will push back...someone who can be kind, without being a pushover.

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. BE. BOSSY. in a relationship...but I will. I'm an envelope pusher....It's just who I am.

So - boys of the world...STOP BEING A PUSHOVER! I don't care if we just met. BE SASSY! It will only win you points in my book...


Passive Aggressiveness is for wimps.

Dream 3

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

So it's just been a really long week, with lots going on...there have been ZERO nights to lay on the couch and watch t.v. and I've only gotten to climb twice. Not a typical week.

So, maybe it was the exhaustion...maybe it was the glass of wine before bedtime...maybe it was the fact that I'm coming of of a medication. Anyways...last night's dream might beat all.

Blue will represent the dream...I'll change to black for explanations:

My mom, dad, sister, niece and I headed out to the lake for a day of deep see fishing my parents are divorced...and I KNOW you can't deep sea fish at a lake...never mind my niece is 8 weeks old. My dad and I set out to fish while my sister, mom and niece were laying out on the shore. We received a phone call and everyone besides me and my dad headed home because the baby needed some Tylenol.

My dad and I headed back to the shore. My dad left to put the boat up and I took a walk. When I got back, it was dark and I couldn't find my dad. ANYWHERE. I immediately panicked. I looked all over, asked a bunch of people and never found him. I called my mom. After a while I started sobbing. My mom decided to come back to help me find him.

When she arrived, she wasn't my mother...she was Cassie. We started a search of the boat dock and areas around the lake. After a while we decided to go to a pottery painting place.

Once we arrived at the pottery painting place (now it is nighttime), it was no longer my dad who was missing, but Stephen. At the potter place I begin frantically calling Stephen and get the owner of the potter shop involved. Finally, a lady answers Stephen's phone and gives me an address and tells me I can meet her there. I hear Stephen's voice...he is distressed.

The lady who owns the potter shop begins talking to this couple named x and kitten. this is a real couple on climbfind...but I've never met them. So the couple lets me know that Stephen has been climbing for this girl for a while and she is safe.

The lady gives us a time line of Stephen's life climbing with this girl for the past several months.
Cassie had to be at school at 6 the next morning. So we were on a time constraint (it took 6 hours to get home from the lake). The lady calls me back and tells me I need to be there by midnight, but I need to make sure "my friend" can climb down the hill to where she is holding Stephen.

Cassie decides we should call the cops.

The police don't really want to listen. They hear me out, but don't offer to help me...they just tell me not to go.

I'm SOBBING the whole time.

Then...it becomes midnight, and Cassie says WE HAVE TO LEAVE HIM AND GO HOME...Because she has to be at school at 6 a.m.

Then I wake up and realize it's 5 a.m. - Every light in my house is on. My blood pressure is up...my heart is racing...and friends is playing on television.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

I know the header needs some work

But hopefully you can actually see the blog now instead of the annoying box.

DREAM 2

Okay ... This is a dream from last week...But first you need the backstory.

I dated this guy casually when I lived in Dothan. He was great...but he knows everything...so for privacy sake, we'll refer to him as arrogant (even though he's really not).

We dated for several weeks...maybe even a couple months. I don't remember the details.

What I do remember was WE.NEVER.KISSED.

In retrospect...not a bad thing...at the time I was like "HELLO KISS ME ALREADY."

I like to kiss boys.

The end.

Okay - Back to the dream:

I was teaching school (which is what I do for a living) and my principal decided we need to all take part in a helicopter training program. So we went through this program and it was my time to actually be in charge of the controls. My principal decided it would be a good idea for me to fly my WHOLE CLASS (because whole classes fit in helicopters...didn't you know that).

Anyways...I was super nervous - 1. because it was my first time flying and 2. because there would be 20+ people in the chopper with me.

SO - She says "no worries, you'll have a co-pilot"

I get in the plane to meet my co pilot and I see him. Arrogant. I was glad to see him...because I haven't in over a year...maybe over 2 years. ANYWAYS...it made me WAY more nervous.

So we fly my students around. **And for the record, he wasn't arrogant AT.ALL...but really helpful** (you like how i feel the need to defend him...even though it was A DREAM!...I'm telling you...my dreams are real)

SO - We get down, park the chopper and then go in this closet and make out like crazy.

what. a. dream.

I definitely had to email said boy and tell him about it. He thought it was funny and said "I would have kissed you if I would have known it would prevent you from having crazy dreams."

Geeze Louise!

Happy Dreaming!

DREAM 1

I've got to start documenting my dreams. They are OUT OF CONTROL these days. So...This is the first installment of my dreams. I'm sure I will be updating regularly.

I wish I had started blogging about them when the dreams started. I mean, they have been crazy. It started a few weeks after S and I broke up...but the other day someone suggested to me that the cause could be my new "organic" (it's not really organic) diet. I wonder if he could be right.

ANYWAYS -

Dream 1:

So last night I dreamed I was walking around in someones front yard. I think it belonged to the K's from Dothan, but I could be mistaken. Anyways...all of a sudden this neon orange and white frog started hoping around....I noticed AT ONCE that it was poisonous (it looked like a frog from the IPhone app, Pocket frogs). Anyways...like I said, poisonous. But, I thought:

"No big deal...it's just a frog. . . I'll stay out of it's path"

WRONG.

He began to pursue me. Chasing me ALL.OVER.THE.YARD. which at this point had at least quadrupled in size.

I got bit. I started writhing in pain.

I was lying in front of the door screaming in pain....

and then the dream changed.

I was on the way to a cheer competition with my dad and sister. I was complaining about my foot and Emily was complaining about needing a uniform. SO - We decided to break into the police station. My dad was CERTAIN that it would be okay.

He took MY cheer leading clothes and went in. He came out a few minutes later without my clothes. They had confiscated them because they realized he was breaking in.

And that my friends. Was last night's dream.

It's seriously like I'm living in an alternate universe at night. Stay tuned. I've got some old ones to post, and I'm sure new ones will come.

Today I love...

That I got an email saying I was always welcome in Ixiamas (Bolivia)...

AND THEY MEAN IT!

I have a place to go on another continent.

I can't express to the blogging world two of you who read the this how cool I think that is.

A theme

I need a theme...

Or something...

When I came up with HONESTLY...The title...I was alot more philosophical. I was going to write about honesty. I am still honest...I mean, when am I not...But I'm not philosophical anymore. I want to be. But I don't have time for that.

I'm not going to be a food blogger.

Unless I get married and have to cook dinner ever night.

But even then sometimes I'd blog about pouring cereal in a bowl...Becuase I don't want to cook dinner every. single. night. for. the. rest. of. my. life.

My friend Joe should know how lucky he has it.

If he were married to me.

Cereal.

ANYWAYS.

I don't have kids...so parenting is out.

I'm not going to get fired for talking about school...so that is out.

Any suggestions?

Anyone even out there?

Sometimes it hurts....

ATTENTION: Another unknown quote (I'd be a terrible researcher)

"I'm not telling you it is going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it"

So - I think this quote was probably written about love. Sorta like that scene in The Notebook where Allie is trying to run away from Noah and Noah says

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're going to have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday. Will you do something for me? Please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If that's what I thought you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out"

Okay, I got carried away. It is only similar to the notebook through "I want all of you everyday."

Back to the original quote that was originally probably about love.

I don't want to talk about love.

I don't know squat about love.

Except that I do love.

And it hasn't worked out yet.

I want to talk about Jesus.

It's not gonna be easy...I'm starting to see that loving Jesus probably shouldn't be easy. Oh don't get me wrong...It's pretty dang easy in my life. But I think that's a problem. So what if I would be lonely if I moved to Bolivia and everyone in my former life forgot about me (irrational fear of mine). SO WHAT...If that's what the Lord called me to would it not be worth it?

I was reading a blog about circumcision. On older kids. Which is apparently a pretty painful thing. I can only imagine can't imagine at all that kind of pain. But apparently it is better for you. And Jesus talks about circumcision (okay, I don't know if Jesus talks about it...but the bible does) and it hurts right? Circumcision hurts...and our hearts are suppose to be circumcised for Christ. So we can assume that it's gonna hurt right?

But it'll be better in the end?

I'm choosing to believe that today.

Time Flies

HOW have I not written since November 10th...Why as I write this is February 10th only a couple of weeks away...Why has it been almost 3 months since I've written???

I have no answers, and as I'm the only one reading this anymore...My apologies are only to myself. If you are still hanging around hoping I'll be a regular blogger...I appreciate the faith. But it is sorely misplaced.

A lot has changed since November 10th and for that I am most thankful. Being most thankful for the changes since then is a totally new thing in my life.

I just want to leave you me with a quote that I like.

I don't remember where I got it, so my apologies to the author -

We can believe that God alone is our security and love is always worth the risk and there is no better investement than reaching out to someone and locking arms and unlocking your heart. No better investement than finding the time for friendship and courage to be real and the humiliy to say we are sorry. And distrust can cost us the very richest life of all and the price for being safe can be too expensive and friendship is the only thing that will show up at our funeral.

I'm not good at making friends. I can admit that. I don't like to let people in. It is much safer in this box I've built.

Don't misunderstand...I love to pour into the people I am accidentally friends with, or people who I am convinced love me whole heartedly and unconditionally. I feel the same about them. But strangers are scary.

So I'm trying to love this quote...and live this quote as I search out community in Nashville.

I have joined a community group, and unlike last time I started I bible study, I am committing to be committed. To open my heart to the girls around me and make a true attemp at honesty and vulnerability. And love.

A New Kind of Normal

This week I feel like I've been thrust into a whole new world.

I feel like a live in a new city and am having to learn to make new friends and navigate a new place.

I know that I need to embrace this "new normal" but it isn't what I want.

It's not what I asked for.

I want the old normal back.

I feel like a little kid beating her fists against the wall (I'd be lying if I didn't say I've beet my fists on the couch in frustration this week) begging God to give me what I want.

There are brief moments between boughts of trying not to cry at school that I know God is faithful. I know he does not leave us alone. I know there is a plan for me.

My prayers today is that I am allowed to go back to the old normal...but with new perspective.

But I'm trying so hard to learn to live in this new normal. And embrace it for the gift that it is.

School

I haven't really been doing a good job of chronicling my school stories...So here's one. The assignment was to "define steepness" and tell me whether or not a ball rolling down a hill would go faster down a steeper hill...or a less steep hill.

Here is one of my sweet babies responses (spelling and grammar untouched).

"Well...from my knowledge if I was to tell What steepness means then I Would say its like a hill, With aWhole bunch of rock. in it Which makes it look cricket (crooked) or jacked up. So I Would say its like a jacked up area full of rocks. And if I Was to choose or answer a Question that says "Would a ball roll faster down a steeper hill then My ansWer Would be yes. And of cource if you roll a ball down its going to be faster because it has rocks Which makes the ball-bouncing everyWhere so it Wouldn't stop and keep on going fast - So that's What I think steppness means and that Would be the Way I describe it."

**WHY DOES HE CAPITALIZE ALL HIS W's"

My other favorite:

"I think a ball would go way much faster down a steep hill. A steep hill goes downer, or has deeper hill. While the ball rolls down it catches more speed so then yes I believe a ball would roll faster down a hill."

HOW DID I GET TO THIS PLACE...Way much faster...downer...??? Really?

I feel compelled to share...

There have been moments in my life that felt like hell.
There have been time periods in my life when the over arching emotion I felt was fear or sadness.
But honestly...they are small.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he was "aww the things you've had to overcome..." - and not in a bad way and I wasn't at all offended. It fit perfectly well into the conversation we were having. And so, I began to mull it over in my mind. He's not the first person to have said it...and lately when I've heard it, it's gnawed on me. SO - I thought about it. And, over all...while there are certainly things I'd change. I am happy...and have felt loved and supported on my journey.

It makes me wonder what little trivial things I've blown out of proportion.

When I began this post I thought I was going to list the terrible...but now I see I am not. Instead I want to talk about Catherine (not her real name).

Catherine was in 4th period and was called down to the office. She came back and asked me to step outside to speak with her. I did.
She began by telling me that someone had called DCS on her family. She said her sister told someone at school she'd been raped last night and she needed to go back down to the office because her mother was there. Then she cried.

I don't teach elementary school because I'm about as sympathetic as a rock. Not for lack of empathy, but because it's just awkward...but I wanted to cry with this child.

In the moment I could know her uncertainty and the fear she surely feels. Maybe there's more to the story than I could ever know.

All I know is that she is living a type of hell I've never known. So many of my students are living a type of hell I've never known.

I told someone the other day my life is great. I'm happy and content. And today I am affirmed. My life is SO GREAT!

Join me in praying for Catherine today...

Thoughts...

I was reading today from this website.



I was particularly moved by this passage:



In Our Lord's life Jerusalem was the place where He reached the climax of His Father's will upon the Cross, and unless we go with Jesus there we will have no companionship with Him. Nothing ever discouraged Our Lord on His way to Jerusalem. He never hurried through certain villages where He was persecuted, or lingered in others where He was blessed. Neither gratitude nor ingratitude turned Our Lord one hair's breadth away from His purpose to go up to Jerusalem. (emphasis mine)



I particularly like the bold part. He never hurried when persecuted: Okay, I get that. God endured what he needed to endure for the good of humanity. I got it.



The part that is beautiful to me is he never lingered when blessed.



I think it is easier to not hurry than it is to not linger. I like to linger. I like to linger in places that are comfortable. I like to linger in places that are familiar. I like to linger in places where I feel blessed. So my thought for today is....Could holding on to good things be a sin? I think yes. Good is the enemy to Great. And I believe today that lingering in good places keeps us from experiencing the GREAT THINGS God has for us.

Absent.

So I haven't posted in a while.

Why?

1. School has started.
2. Cheerleading has started.
3. Life is busy.
4. Cheerleading has started.
5. Football season has started.
6. Cheerleading has started.
7. My graduate classes have started.
8. Cheerleading has started.
9. Not much exciting has happened.
10. Cheerleading has started.

So you get the idea. Cheerleading takes over my life in the fall. Since the girls don't try out until the 2nd or 3rd week in August and the Fresh/Soph football season starts the last week of August of the 1st week of September I can't ever cancel practice...unless I have a meeting...which still means I work late.

That coupled with the fact that I don't have internet at my house = not many posts.

If anyone knows a wireless internet provider...that doesn't require me to get cable...and is cheap...please let me know. I've been unsuccessful thus far.

SO...

Let's talk about the fun stuff...

This weekend for example....

Friday night Stephen's parents took us to see Chihuly @ Cheekwood. If you live in Nashville. GO! It was so cool....and if you get a chance to be sneaky and touch the glass....DO IT! :)

Saturday was GEORGE and REBA! It was such a good show.
Le'Ann Womack opened up and was WONDERFUL.
Reba came out and was AMAZING!!!! She looks good to have been around forever, and she sounded amazing.
GEORGE was B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. - His tight wranglers....starched shirt...black cowboy hat...velvet voice...and don't even get me STARTED on all the video they played of him doing the cowboy thing and riding horses....He's just a beautiful man....and if I were 30 years older.....

Sunday -

also. SO. FUN.

I did the Nashville Challenge with some girls from work. If you don't know about it check out www.challengenation.org and make plans to do it next year. It was a 3 hour scavenger hunt around the city. My teams one goal was to beat the other teachers...and we failed...BUT - We came in 18th out of roughly 65 other teams (i think)...and our time was about 88 minutes.

Some of the things we did...

• Took a picture on the Shelby Street bridge mimicking the batman building
• Took our picture out Ft. Nashboro
• Begged a man in a Vince Young jersey to throw a football to us.
• Begged a band to let us get on stage and act like rock stars
• Built a pyramid on the capital lawn
• Took pictures on top of the ruins of the capital columns
• Scoured town for a building built in 1895 (that would make the building HALF as old as Nashville if anyone is wondering)
• Took a photo with the picture of the part of the Aycock statue that resembles a rose...(p.s. NO PART of the aycock statue resembles a rose in my opinion).
• Successfully located someone with a drivers license from a state that begins with the letter "N"
• Sat on some map of TN and took a picture with Springfield (the city)
• Did a Charlie's Angle pose with a cop (and we found a friend!)

Some other things we did that were NOT on the list:

• Yelled at a woman in the lobby of the Hilton
• Asked every single customer in Hooters if they had a license from an N state.
• Asked every single person on the street if they were from Nashville
• Asked a woman in a skirt to squat as "low as she possibly could" to take our picture (she didn't...and we're glad)
• Chased a car down the road because it had a New York license plate
• Ran around the city
• Had lots and lots of fun with some really fun coworkers

Overall...It was a WONDERFUL WEEKEND!

I don't ever want to care...

There are just some things I don't ever want to care about.

I don't ever want to care if all the blinds in my house are open to the same level.
I don't ever want to care if everything in my house matches.
I don't ever want to be jealous.
I don't ever want to REALLY care what people think about me.
I don't ever want to care about test scores.

But Mostly...

I don't ever want to care if all the blinds are the same level.

I just listen to people talk sometimes and I don't understand why they care about the things they care about. I'm sure they feel the same way about things I care about (owning a copper kitchen aid mixer for example).

I care if I have a house...and if other people have a place to live.
I care that I can afford to keep my house clean and liveable.
I care that I am loved.
I care that I don't hurt others.
I care that my students learn to be productive...and learn to be happy.

I also care about my feet and copper kitchen aid mixers....but those things make me sound shallow!

Stream of Consciousness

SO...

I'm getting ready to start the year.

And here are my thoughts.

Teaching takes way more time than I gave it last year.

I read a news article this morning that says that the state is going to announce Proficient and Advanced scores this week. I am hopeful that my kids still make significant gains.

I can't help but feel like this is important.

I know some non-TFA teachers who think test scores are dumb. And I do to when I'm feeling pressure...but I also think that if your kids are learning they WILL pass the state tests.

Passing tests does not equate learning...

BUT -

If you learn you past tests....

I'm on the fence.

I'm finding that I'm on the fence about a whole lot of things lately.

I hope I'm not becoming less opinionated.

My dear crazy friend is starting a new food fanatic crazy thing. Some of it I agree with...Some of it I think is in excess....I think that it is all good. Just not all necessary...but, the problem is that I'm just SO ON THE FENCE about all of it. Even after reading a lot about it.

I'll be back to talk more about raw milk and real meat.

Sorry for the random stream of consciousness.