Sometimes it hurts....

ATTENTION: Another unknown quote (I'd be a terrible researcher)

"I'm not telling you it is going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it"

So - I think this quote was probably written about love. Sorta like that scene in The Notebook where Allie is trying to run away from Noah and Noah says

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're going to have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday. Will you do something for me? Please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If that's what I thought you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out"

Okay, I got carried away. It is only similar to the notebook through "I want all of you everyday."

Back to the original quote that was originally probably about love.

I don't want to talk about love.

I don't know squat about love.

Except that I do love.

And it hasn't worked out yet.

I want to talk about Jesus.

It's not gonna be easy...I'm starting to see that loving Jesus probably shouldn't be easy. Oh don't get me wrong...It's pretty dang easy in my life. But I think that's a problem. So what if I would be lonely if I moved to Bolivia and everyone in my former life forgot about me (irrational fear of mine). SO WHAT...If that's what the Lord called me to would it not be worth it?

I was reading a blog about circumcision. On older kids. Which is apparently a pretty painful thing. I can only imagine can't imagine at all that kind of pain. But apparently it is better for you. And Jesus talks about circumcision (okay, I don't know if Jesus talks about it...but the bible does) and it hurts right? Circumcision hurts...and our hearts are suppose to be circumcised for Christ. So we can assume that it's gonna hurt right?

But it'll be better in the end?

I'm choosing to believe that today.

Time Flies

HOW have I not written since November 10th...Why as I write this is February 10th only a couple of weeks away...Why has it been almost 3 months since I've written???

I have no answers, and as I'm the only one reading this anymore...My apologies are only to myself. If you are still hanging around hoping I'll be a regular blogger...I appreciate the faith. But it is sorely misplaced.

A lot has changed since November 10th and for that I am most thankful. Being most thankful for the changes since then is a totally new thing in my life.

I just want to leave you me with a quote that I like.

I don't remember where I got it, so my apologies to the author -

We can believe that God alone is our security and love is always worth the risk and there is no better investement than reaching out to someone and locking arms and unlocking your heart. No better investement than finding the time for friendship and courage to be real and the humiliy to say we are sorry. And distrust can cost us the very richest life of all and the price for being safe can be too expensive and friendship is the only thing that will show up at our funeral.

I'm not good at making friends. I can admit that. I don't like to let people in. It is much safer in this box I've built.

Don't misunderstand...I love to pour into the people I am accidentally friends with, or people who I am convinced love me whole heartedly and unconditionally. I feel the same about them. But strangers are scary.

So I'm trying to love this quote...and live this quote as I search out community in Nashville.

I have joined a community group, and unlike last time I started I bible study, I am committing to be committed. To open my heart to the girls around me and make a true attemp at honesty and vulnerability. And love.

A New Kind of Normal

This week I feel like I've been thrust into a whole new world.

I feel like a live in a new city and am having to learn to make new friends and navigate a new place.

I know that I need to embrace this "new normal" but it isn't what I want.

It's not what I asked for.

I want the old normal back.

I feel like a little kid beating her fists against the wall (I'd be lying if I didn't say I've beet my fists on the couch in frustration this week) begging God to give me what I want.

There are brief moments between boughts of trying not to cry at school that I know God is faithful. I know he does not leave us alone. I know there is a plan for me.

My prayers today is that I am allowed to go back to the old normal...but with new perspective.

But I'm trying so hard to learn to live in this new normal. And embrace it for the gift that it is.

School

I haven't really been doing a good job of chronicling my school stories...So here's one. The assignment was to "define steepness" and tell me whether or not a ball rolling down a hill would go faster down a steeper hill...or a less steep hill.

Here is one of my sweet babies responses (spelling and grammar untouched).

"Well...from my knowledge if I was to tell What steepness means then I Would say its like a hill, With aWhole bunch of rock. in it Which makes it look cricket (crooked) or jacked up. So I Would say its like a jacked up area full of rocks. And if I Was to choose or answer a Question that says "Would a ball roll faster down a steeper hill then My ansWer Would be yes. And of cource if you roll a ball down its going to be faster because it has rocks Which makes the ball-bouncing everyWhere so it Wouldn't stop and keep on going fast - So that's What I think steppness means and that Would be the Way I describe it."

**WHY DOES HE CAPITALIZE ALL HIS W's"

My other favorite:

"I think a ball would go way much faster down a steep hill. A steep hill goes downer, or has deeper hill. While the ball rolls down it catches more speed so then yes I believe a ball would roll faster down a hill."

HOW DID I GET TO THIS PLACE...Way much faster...downer...??? Really?

I feel compelled to share...

There have been moments in my life that felt like hell.
There have been time periods in my life when the over arching emotion I felt was fear or sadness.
But honestly...they are small.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he was "aww the things you've had to overcome..." - and not in a bad way and I wasn't at all offended. It fit perfectly well into the conversation we were having. And so, I began to mull it over in my mind. He's not the first person to have said it...and lately when I've heard it, it's gnawed on me. SO - I thought about it. And, over all...while there are certainly things I'd change. I am happy...and have felt loved and supported on my journey.

It makes me wonder what little trivial things I've blown out of proportion.

When I began this post I thought I was going to list the terrible...but now I see I am not. Instead I want to talk about Catherine (not her real name).

Catherine was in 4th period and was called down to the office. She came back and asked me to step outside to speak with her. I did.
She began by telling me that someone had called DCS on her family. She said her sister told someone at school she'd been raped last night and she needed to go back down to the office because her mother was there. Then she cried.

I don't teach elementary school because I'm about as sympathetic as a rock. Not for lack of empathy, but because it's just awkward...but I wanted to cry with this child.

In the moment I could know her uncertainty and the fear she surely feels. Maybe there's more to the story than I could ever know.

All I know is that she is living a type of hell I've never known. So many of my students are living a type of hell I've never known.

I told someone the other day my life is great. I'm happy and content. And today I am affirmed. My life is SO GREAT!

Join me in praying for Catherine today...